rest of life.......not yet.! Day 54

Ok..I am back.  Not with the same intensity I was when I started this journey,  It is odd how I feel my self disconnecting with the "old self" to create this whole person, whom I don't know very well yet.  Lots has happened since the last post and I am excited to get back to this blog.
I read back through my blog and I am astounded at how God had a word everyday that fit into exactly what I was going through or how I was feeling.  I have to be honest that right now, I am mad at God, mad at me, and mad at my body.  I was expecting faster results I guess, and my body is doing some really bizarre things.  I am really mad at myself for doing this to my body, and I am mad at God for making me go through this.  There were a couple of times in the first 30 days that I had asked God to take this from me......HE chose to let me go through anyway.  I finally feel like I am ready to break down and that, perhaps, is what He is waiting for.  I don't cry........what is the PURPOSE in that???  Pisses me off to think about it.

I want to talk about self-love...look inside, very quietly, to see the essence of who you really are.  Can you love that little girl or boy who was not so lovable, or that teenager that continued to disappoint everyone.  How about now? Are there tears that have been shed over lost hopes or dreams?  Lost because you couldn't believe? or trust? or surrender? or whatever?  I am learning about all these "little ones" that needed to be loved through all the heartache.  For me, it was always heartache.  This smokescreen I put up was hindering my life with almost everyone.  I shut myself off from people to different extents, but no one was allowed to really get all the way in.  I have tried to be everyone's everything.  Impossible task, but so necessary for the "little ones" to be loved even for just a little bit.  I am letting all this go and it does feel amazing, yet there is sadness in it too.  I deserve a life that is all the way full....and the past has kept it at half-full.
 So, guess what Beth Moore has to say today???
'If we're willing to admit our lack of confidence in Him, Christ is more than willing to help us overcome our unbelief!  (I so wanted to stay mad at GOD today!)  And this is her scripture reference:

John 15: 9-11:
  "I've loved you the way my Father has loved me. Make yourselves at home in my love. If you keep my commands, you'll remain intimately at home in my love. That's what I've done—kept my Father's commands and made myself at home in his love.
 "I've told you these things for a purpose: that my joy might be your joy, and your joy wholly mature.

Pretty sure, I didn't really want to hear that again today.   Here is a quote I found the other day that I loved and really spoke to me:

He draws close, to ripen my wisdom, to deepen my peace, to increase my courage, to augment my power to be of use to others, through the very experience which is so grievous and distressing, and then--as I read on the seal of one of those Scottish Covenanters whom Claverhouse imprisoned on the lonely Bass, with the sea surging and sobbing round--I grow under the load.
--Alexander Smellie.

so, day 54.....grieved for my "self"........rest of life???? its gonna get better, it just has to.

So here is to the first day of the rest of my life, again.  I am believing in the Almighty power of GOD to lift me up the the heavenlies!  I am praying for you as well, that you will be lifted into the heavenlies too.  Peace and grace abounding to you.
Lovingly, Jules