Day 57

Well, it certainly has been a very interesting day today and I am feeling better.  Not 100% mind you, but better.  I have started to really listen to my body and I need to back off the bikram somewhat and start doing restorative yoga also, I am also eating vegetarian...and taking supplements!  What you don't know about me is that I have scoffed at supplements and also vegetarians my whole life!  But this water retention is driving me crazy and it is keeping my blood pressure really high.  I learned today that detoxing will take on many forms for a while, but I need to be loving my body through it.  Thanking my "self" for the hard work it is going through.  I guess this could be about self-love now couldn't it?  See how GOD is inter-twining all these things together to bring me into the Full Life HE wants me to have? Full of HIS grace, HIS mercy, HIS power......how many things can I list that I have heard or read but never truly understood until now?  So............not mad at my body anymore, as I laugh to myself! 
I am finding this blog becoming my time with GOD...I get up in the morning and immediately start doing my yoga then its on to the rest of the day and finally at the end of the day, it is HIS time.  I am praying more, seeking out HIS wisdom more, trusting that voice inside and knowing it is HIM more, basically having more and more of HIM in me and the faith to believe it.  I am just starting to read the whole account of the death and resurrection of Jesus and my bible has a chart that you can read all 4 gospel accounts.  Powerful stuff thinking about the last supper and Judas' betrayal.  Can't wait to read more tomorrow.  And I love my Beth Moore daily devotional...it is her praying 'God's Word Day by Day'.  I sometimes can't believe how it always fits the day.......here is what I got today:
"I am your dearly loved child. I am from You, LORD GOD, and have overcome the influences of the evil kingdom, because the ONE who is in me is greater than the one who is in the world (1John 4:4)".  
Always amazed, full of wonder, loving my KING!

so....day 57, at vegetarian all day, took my supplements, did bikram, actually stayed focused all day, cried a little,.........rest of life????free from the smokescreen!

Hoping that this is your day 1, praying all the time for you!  May HIS peace surround you and give you much needed rest.  Lovingly, Jules

day 56

Can you believe it is day 56?  I can't either!  I am so proud of myself...I was with one of my friends who smokes today, I didn't even care!  The smell doesn't bother me and I have no desire to "light one up"!  Astounding!!  I now believe I am over the hump, but I have learned not to get prideful AT ALL about anything. 
God has surrounded me with so many beautiful healers....my friend Trish, a massage specialist, insisted I have a lymphatic body wrap and cupping session today.  So wonderful was this treatment that it took away the cankles.  It also put me into such a meditative state that I saw a vision of something God was going to do for me.  The vision gave me such a sense of peace and knowing that HE was there in the room, I can't describe what it really felt like......too big for words. I wrote a poem to HIM in my head and have been trying most of the day to get it on paper. 

Listen to what my Beth Moore devotional says today:
If we are going to live in freedom, we have no choice but to renounce every single secret place of sin in our lives to GOD.
   "O lord our GOD, other lords besides you have ruled over me, but your name alone is the one I want to honor (Isa 26:13).  Please help me understand that these sins and addictions have been terrible and destructive rulers in my life.  Help me to cease to honor them.  Father, your WORD tells me that anyone who trusts in YOU will never be put to shame (Rom 10:11).  How I celebrate that the time has come to put all shame behind me!"

Can you even believe that?  I was living in secret shame for all the things I knew were not pleasing to HIM!  They were not pleasing to me!!!!  Here is another reading from today...
“In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace”.  This is Eph 1:7...
So, needless to say, I am no longer mad at GOD, or myself, or my body.  This is a good thing.  I am going to be doing alot of travel soon and I am putting together my survival kit again.  I will once again be out of the cocoon for a long period of time, out of my routine, (which I just got into the routine!), not going to be exercising the same, so am a little worried.  I found a coupon for a week of free hot yoga in Colo Springs which I will totally utilize!  I have set up a hot yoga room in my house and I am definitely going to miss it....!  Will I be able to blog?  This has become therapy for me...
Oh well, here we go again....life is not about hiding in the cocoon any longer.

so, day 56.....had an amazing spa treatment, drank my juice, took my supplements, prayed all day......rest of life???? let me just say, it is going to be veerrrrrryyyyy interesting!

Blessings on you and so much love.....The ALMIGHTY ONE loves us so much that it can't be described. Bask in that love and give HIM your day 1.  Praying for you, Jules

Day 55

Today was a good day...as I can only go by each day, I am beginning to think I am manic-depressive.  One day up, one day down.  I love this journey though.  Isn't that what life really is?   Could you imagine every day being the same?  I know I love this craziness of mine and most people that love me, I think love it too.  It keeps my husband on his toes, thats for sure.  Which by the way, I must give major kudos and all the other awards you can think of, to my amazing husband.  For the life of me, I don't know why I was so blessed with this man.  He is such a tower of strength and comfort for me and I never would have gotten through most of this without him.  I love you so much, thanks for being my husband...and all that it entails.

So, went back through the nicotine withdrawal symptoms......here they are again:

• Cravings to smoke/ have never really had this
• Irritable, cranky/ not really this either
• Insomnia/yes
• Fatigue/yes
• Inability to Concentrate/yes
• Headache/yes
• Cough/no
• Sore throat/yes
• Constipation, gas, stomach pain/no
• Dry mouth/yes
• Sore tongue and/or gums/yes
• Postnasal drip/yes
• Tightness in the chest/yes

I posted this list on day 16 and most of my answers were ..no...because I was the perfect quitter at that time don't forget.  So I have most of the symptoms now, and am really excited I got the post nasal drip..I so want to use this line.."oh, forgive me, I quit smoking and now I have post-nasal drip!"  I have now heard that for every year you have smoked, that is a month you have to detox!  Why didn't anyone tell me this before?  Would I have listened?  Perhaps I would have...

"The Almighty One" gave me a good talking to today regarding some past !crap! HE wants me to deal with!  (can you tell I am still a little bit upset with HIM?)  HE is not letting me get too far away and of course my study today was all about fear....Deut 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” 
Even one of my dearest friends talked to me about her fears and how she is learning to deal with them.  I know this is a scary place for me....I am looking from the inside out for the first time in my life, and I know this is the only way I can heal.  I want GOD THE ALMIGHTY to heal me right now, but I know deep down that I need to take this process slow.  HIS reassurance that HE is always here besides me is comforting, but mostly I have been wallowing in fear for my life because I have always done everything quickly and well and most things come easy for me.  This is so different from anything I have ever known!

so day 55.......cankles came back, spent the day with brides, did my yoga, ate like crap and have gut ache,  rest of life???........crawling still, breathing shallow, reaching for the thread, giving it all to THE KING OF KINGS again!

I pray for your rest of life, HE does have an amazing plan and purpose for each of us.  I love you and please keep me in your prayers....Jules

rest of life.......not yet.! Day 54

Ok..I am back.  Not with the same intensity I was when I started this journey,  It is odd how I feel my self disconnecting with the "old self" to create this whole person, whom I don't know very well yet.  Lots has happened since the last post and I am excited to get back to this blog.
I read back through my blog and I am astounded at how God had a word everyday that fit into exactly what I was going through or how I was feeling.  I have to be honest that right now, I am mad at God, mad at me, and mad at my body.  I was expecting faster results I guess, and my body is doing some really bizarre things.  I am really mad at myself for doing this to my body, and I am mad at God for making me go through this.  There were a couple of times in the first 30 days that I had asked God to take this from me......HE chose to let me go through anyway.  I finally feel like I am ready to break down and that, perhaps, is what He is waiting for.  I don't cry........what is the PURPOSE in that???  Pisses me off to think about it.

I want to talk about self-love...look inside, very quietly, to see the essence of who you really are.  Can you love that little girl or boy who was not so lovable, or that teenager that continued to disappoint everyone.  How about now? Are there tears that have been shed over lost hopes or dreams?  Lost because you couldn't believe? or trust? or surrender? or whatever?  I am learning about all these "little ones" that needed to be loved through all the heartache.  For me, it was always heartache.  This smokescreen I put up was hindering my life with almost everyone.  I shut myself off from people to different extents, but no one was allowed to really get all the way in.  I have tried to be everyone's everything.  Impossible task, but so necessary for the "little ones" to be loved even for just a little bit.  I am letting all this go and it does feel amazing, yet there is sadness in it too.  I deserve a life that is all the way full....and the past has kept it at half-full.
 So, guess what Beth Moore has to say today???
'If we're willing to admit our lack of confidence in Him, Christ is more than willing to help us overcome our unbelief!  (I so wanted to stay mad at GOD today!)  And this is her scripture reference:

John 15: 9-11:
  "I've loved you the way my Father has loved me. Make yourselves at home in my love. If you keep my commands, you'll remain intimately at home in my love. That's what I've done—kept my Father's commands and made myself at home in his love.
 "I've told you these things for a purpose: that my joy might be your joy, and your joy wholly mature.

Pretty sure, I didn't really want to hear that again today.   Here is a quote I found the other day that I loved and really spoke to me:

He draws close, to ripen my wisdom, to deepen my peace, to increase my courage, to augment my power to be of use to others, through the very experience which is so grievous and distressing, and then--as I read on the seal of one of those Scottish Covenanters whom Claverhouse imprisoned on the lonely Bass, with the sea surging and sobbing round--I grow under the load.
--Alexander Smellie.

so, day 54.....grieved for my "self"........rest of life???? its gonna get better, it just has to.

So here is to the first day of the rest of my life, again.  I am believing in the Almighty power of GOD to lift me up the the heavenlies!  I am praying for you as well, that you will be lifted into the heavenlies too.  Peace and grace abounding to you.
Lovingly, Jules